Cntracast!

i hate seeing my friends talk bad about themselves. one of my friends was saying some horrible stuff about themself earlier this week. i dont mind hearing it, i dont mind hearing it at all. just sitting there and listening can sometimes help people, makes me feel like im helping. i keep the other ways i feel though, under as much wrapping as i can. hearing this friend in particular say shit like this makes me really really sad. for them, i feel sad.

self hate is something im very familiar with, recently though, ive been better. thinking about how they talk about themselves gives me a choking feeling, makes my eyes water a little. i would say that the emotions of people around me do affect me, probably too much but whatever. when you hate yourself, you jump to very illogical conclusions about yourself even if there is a CONTRAdiction right in front of you.

in recent news, i finished reading the Baroque manga. it was good, actually i REAAAAAALY REALY REALY liked it. i really understood the central theme of it, i loved it so much. no spoilers, the only thing ill say is that it is different from the game apparently? i havent finished the game yet, neither the saturn/psx version or the remake. but fuck i didnt think id like it as much as i did.

im also much more confident in calling the people i speak to friends. recently, one of my friends did something that made me realize if i wasnt their friend, they wouldnt have done that. i seriously dont think anyone less than a friend would join my steam family bullshit. that made me realize that they at least trust me, so i did something right. and as for c, the other one, they're fixing some personal stuff that would really ruin any time i spoke to them. one of those things that caused issues was how come they were still pretty closeted. they came out to their parents this week and they were supportive (yay).

i had something kinda like what they do. it was when i was very young, i wasnt particularly happy with what gender i have. i wasnt happy with any given option, actually. never would i go into much detail with them though.

i dont like being vulnerable to people anymore if there is a chance for a consequence. i have a horrible history with telling someone something very personal and then they just use it to either
a. blackmail me
b. make fun of me
c. use it in a very not particularly nice way
it makes me hesitant to even talk to people in general. if i do, i usually keep it very light and joke-y and try to keep it off of anything too deep for myself. im to the point where i dont think i could have a real conversation about myself to anyone specific.

on a lighter note, the weeknd is here meaning i can work on the site (yay). or ill just waste away playing sega saturn games and/or trying to find new music to listen to. either way, ill get my coffee so im happy.